I talked about a need to confess yesterday. Once I opened myself to the confession… the grace began to come. If you can work your way through this somewhat messy post, I think there may be some grace here for you, too.
Confession 1: I look at some people’s success and criticize them by wondering why I am not in their position…. because my pride says I could do it just as well or better.
Yuck. What is wrong with me?
I always celebrate the successes of those I know. It is the people I don’t know I pick to pieces- as if my not knowing them makes them less human and easier to tear apart.
Confession 2: I’m am afraid I won’t achieve success after pouring myself into something.
In the back of my mind I am filled with self doubt.
Maybe my writing isn’t good enough. Maybe no one cares about the message I feel I need to share. Maybe I am not good enough. Work harder, Rebecca. Be something, Rebecca. You have to prove you are worth something, Rebecca….. and there it is, at the core of everything.
I battle this terrible empty sense that I, in and of myself, am not worth something unless I am recognized by others for some achievement.
When I say it out loud or put it in writing, I know it is not true. I have said it many times before, though: truth often has very little impact on the way we feel.
Confession 3: My pride and my insecurity might have more control on my decisions than I care to admit.
I exercised twice today. It is is 11 am. Why?… because I accepted a challenge from my brother-in-law to see who can log more miles this month….. because I can’t stand to lose….. because I want to be skinnier and prettier…. because underneath the put together is a giant mess.
Every day is a battle. Every day I fight to keep the mess inside and be better. Every day I fight the lies of who I feel myself to be with a grasping at who I am made to be.
Grace for it all:
Glennon Doyle Melton is an incredibly famous blogger (Momastery) and the author of Carry on Warrior. I am embarrassed to say I have not read her book since I am about to write about her.
I love her honesty. I have no criticism and picking apart for her. She is encouragement and light, and I am honored to have been even slightly compared to her style. …. anyway… Her blog today was so raw. It was so uplifting. It was a reminder that I am not the only one fighting the crazy. It was a ray of hope that I can pour myself into this thing, and it is okay no matter what happens. I am enough, even if no one else knows it. Thank you for the reminder, Glennon.
I also started my day with this thought from part of today’s reading, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.” Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT)
The grace answer is somewhere in the mix of these things. I am being selfish and prideful in my attempts to cover my fear that I am not enough.
Also from today’s reading: “My hands have made both heaven and earth; they and everything in them are mine. I, the LORD, have spoken! ‘I will bless those who have humble and contrite hearts, who tremble at my word….'” Isaiah 66:2 (NLT)
I am realizing God wants me to be humble, not because I am not enough…but because I am more than enough in Him. I am his creation. I am part of the “and everything in them.”
I don’t have to fight to be more. I can have peace if I will accept myself with all my flaws.
God asks so little of me. He is not looking for my perfection. He only asks me to love him with all my heart and to let that love spill over to my neighbors.
I don’t have to be more. I don’t have to be better. I am exactly enough.