Anxiety, uncertainty, and insecurity- I’m not sure which of these I feel more right now, and I know they are all byproducts of each other in some way.
We are 27 days from launching the church. We could have 75 people show up or 375 people. There is no way to know.
I submitted my book manuscript the first of the month, and today is the end of the month. The agent could love it or reject it. I don’t even know when I will find out.
My paying job, the one I never feel like I have enough time to do well, is asking me to make some decisions very soon about next school year that I am not ready to make (full time or part time/ English, Spanish, or both).
I’m forgetting to work hard and let the results rest in God’s hands. I keep forgetting my job is to be faithful.
The church will be what He wants it to be; the book will reach who He wants it to reach; I will work with the students God wants me to impact; and God’s provision will be more than enough.
It isn’t about me. It is about Him… why is this so ridiculously hard to live out?
I have hardly written this month. Instead I’ve tried to do some of the promotion new authors are supposed to do.
I hate it. The self promotion makes me feel like a failure.
I tried to boost my Facebook author page. It went up by almost 250 page likes in just a couple days, and many of the posts had huge jumps in likes also. Almost all the new page and post likes came from Brazil, yet my blog didn’t receive any hits from Brazil….
At least the almost 500 followers I had before were people who have read something I have written.
I feel like a self promoting idiot…. because that is what I am right now.
We are starting a church to bring people to God. I wrote a book because I was impressed with the words, “a book to build a church on.” I started a blog because authors need blogs. I kept blogging because I’ve been told, by the few people who actually read it, the words are something they can relate to in their own lives. I have loved the connecting with others while processing through my own junk to find grace for each day.
So, why on earth am I getting anxious about results, letting uncertainty throw me into a tailspin, and feeling insecure in my abilities?!?!?!
It’s time to do the only thing that makes sense…
Teach me, again, to keep my eyes on you. Help me to remember who I am in you and who you have called me to be. Forgive me for promoting my abilities instead of faithfully serving in order to see you promoted.
I am so glad you give grace abundantly because I am a woman in great need of unmerited favor.
Help me to re-learn what true peace is and where it comes from. Teach me to rest in you and let each day come without worrying about tomorrow. I love you, and I thank you.