Doubt, Belief, and a Need to Sleep
Tonight, I can’t sleep.
I am sitting in front of my keyboard with dishes in the sink, a floor to sweep, laundry to fold, papers to grade, lessons to plan, a sermon to write for a class I need to finish, and a list of tasks forever waiting to be accomplished.
I am feeling the pressure of it all, and I am wondering how it will come together- not my home, not my teaching, not my class I need to finish, but the church.
Isn’t it silly?
All the things I can control I am not a bit worried about. I will get them done. I can get up in a moment and wash the dishes. I can plug away at the tasks, and I can accomplish them… and they will be there again tomorrow. The church plant, though, that is harder because the tasks don’t have the same definite results. I can follow all the steps, but in many ways, the results are out of my hands. I don’t have all the control.
I should rest confidently because someone greater and more capable than I am is in charge.
Yet, tonight as we approach our first Equip Service with our launch team for the New Year, I am floundering. For the first time, it is my Sunday to equip the team. Ironically, I have prepared a great faith building lesson on “Vision and Provision.”
Why, then, am I sitting up worried?
I know the truth. Where God gives vision, he gives provision. I know that I know that I know… and, still, I sit here unable to sleep.
It is not God that I doubt. He has come through over and over. He provided a home, an office, a meeting space, people, and finances…
My mind is clouded by the tasks ahead instead of the help above. We have only three more months to double our team and bring in the remaining finances. We have programs to plan and people to train…and what if we can’t gather the momentum we need?
I am a fool, and I know it. It isn’t me. I can do all I can, and it will not build a church. Jonathan can do all he can, and it will not build a church. We simply must do the hardest task of all…. be faithful and leave it in God’s hands.
So, tonight, I will wash the dishes, read over my lesson for tomorrow, and pray. Then, I will sleep because it is all I will have left that I can do.
It is all I need to do.
He does not give vision without provision. He does not call us to places he will not lead. He does not ask us to sacrifice what he will not provide.