As She Goes
We have had a 16 year old daughter since September 28th.
The past four and a half months have been tumultuous, hopeful, discouraging, rewarding, and, more than anything else, draining.
I am drained.
I have given love and support. I have given boundaries and consequences. I have given forgiveness and second, third, fourth, and fifth chances. I have given all I had to give, and it was not enough.
On Monday, I sat in a room with a team of adults to determine the next steps. The conclusion was unanimous; this child needs more.
As I always do, I will let you see the ugly in me. I was relieved, maybe even elated.
Mom. That’s what she calls me, even to her friends when I am not around. Mom.
As she goes, I don’t know what side is up or down.
I left that room knowing the end was in sight, believing the decision was right, and feeling LIGHT. But, then…with her sitting beside me in the car, I was sad and broken because we were driving to what will no longer be her home.
She asked about her inappropriate clothes. I said, “afuera,” and we laughed because that is where she said she had been. I know you don’t understand that sentence, but there is so little in this situation we can comprehend.
How did she… no we… get here?
She is funny, determined, and smart. She is wild, clever, and slippery… so slippery she is sliding right out of our hands.
As she walked into the house, I stayed in the car and wept.
It has been a few days, and we are still mid transition. She knows where she is headed, but she doesn’t (as usual) believe the consequence is real or will happen. She doesn’t know that we gave all we had as she trampled every rule and laughed at every boundary.
In these days, I have watched her continue to push, wiggle, and strive to get to things that we have fought to protect her from. I have been relieved for the battle to end and sorrowed at the fact we are are both losing.
I know the next step is right, and I am hopeful for reform and return. But as she goes, I am angry at her defiance, frustrated by her attitude, desperate for the relief, and heartbroken we couldn’t give her more.
13 thoughts on “As She Goes”
There is nothing anyone can say to lighten the load at a time like this but here is my small commitment to pray for you. Only God knows the end from the beginning. How painful it is to be caught in the middle. God bless…
Praying with you and for you. In spite of all the emotions you are feeling, you have been her teacher, supporter and encourager for this season. Seeds of love, discipline, hope and truth have been planted in her – and though it has not ended as you desired you have played an important roll in her life for this season. My prayer is that the seeds will grow and her heart will be changed. Thank for being willing to give yourself to a needy teenager for this season. Somehow I believe you have followed God’s call and that is never in vain. ❤️🙏
I also fostered s 16 year old and experienced the same issues. After a year I sent her to her grandmothers. I gave all I could and she hated me for my authority over her, which by the way, she Never accepted. I have come to believe that I was merely a stepping stone towards a better future. And that she will be able to stand on the foundation I have laid for her later in life. Keep going Rebecca. So many need us, but are so lost they don’t know what to do when they find us. Don’t let this experience sour you. You are an awesome parent, provider, and role model. You inspire me!
I am going to adopt your perspective.
Prayers for all of you, Rebecca. I know that you, Jon and all of your close knit extended family have accepted and loved her and want what is best for her. I have witnessed first hand how much love and support you and your family share freely with others. She may not understand or have the ability to accept it now, but she will at some point know in her heart that you gave her the best and cared enough to discipline her, set boundaries and when the time came, though difficult, to let her go on to the next step to ensure she received what she needed. God shines through you every day. Don’t let this discourage you.
You make a difference every day. Hugs and prayers.
Sometimes the best thing we can do with our children (biological or not) is completely give them to the Lord. This is one of the hardest things in the world to do but the rewards are worth everything!! 💕🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
As parents, we sometimes overdo it with our love toward the children God has given us. God gave the Israelites everything they needed, but they still rebelled in the wilderness, so, God had to punish them for their disobedience. Whatever you have done; you did it in LOVE, for her. Now let God do His work on her.
Proverbs 22:6 (NASB) 6 Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Dear Rebecca, you and your family will be in my prayers. God already knows you have done you can at this point and His Holy Spirit will be there to guide you from here, minute by minute!
I’m sorry. Will be praying.
Rebecca, hey there … I have a daughter that will turn 16 in about two weeks. I don’t know your exact situation, but I am familiar with what you are going through. Sometimes it doesn’t feel as if I have any connection with my daughter, and it’s been that way for quite some time. But then there are moments when she lets her guard down and we have a wonderful connection. I never like to say it’s just a “stage” she’s going through because it’s frustrating, but I know that I am blessed with a wonderful child, and I’m sure that you are as well. I will lift you and your daughter up in prayer continually. All of God’s blessings.
Thanks, Shawn. I wasn’t super clear in my post…. My sixteen year old daughter is a foster daughter. Since my post, the transition I referenced has occurred, and she has been moved to a reform school. You are right about all children being God’s blessings. I pray that God will help her to find peace and that she will be able to return to our home at some point. In the meantime, we will keep the door open and work to keep her connected to our family as much as she will receive it.
❤️ Thanks as always for sharing your heart.