I could have done better.
I spoke for a women’s event last Friday night. I did alright, but I could have done better.
Monday night, I graded papers and worked on my sermon. I bounced between the two for several hours while my husband and kids attended other engagements.
Tuesday night I left straight from work to attend my middle daughter’s choir concert. From there we went to our youngest child’s concert. I came home and worked a little before crashing.
Wednesday night I went Christmas shopping with our youngest while our older two attended youth group. I came home and chatted with parents that were there to pick up their kids. After everyone left, I worked on my message until 11, when I quit because I couldn’t stay awake any longer.
Thursday night, I tried to pack for the trip. However, my youngest, for the first time in her life, needed help on her math homework. By the time we were done, it was time to head to our middle child’s honor choir concert.
We came home to a house packed with the worship team and their kids. I helped one of my friends on the worship team edit her short story. After everyone left and the kids were in bed, I opened my backpack to take out my laptop and finish my sermon…. only to remember I needed to make the reading quiz for the last chapter of Frankenstein still. Twenty minutes later, I was ready to work on my sermon. Eleven is a good time to write a sermon, right? Did I mention I had to be up by 4:15 a.m. for my flight?
The message was decent, but I could have done better.
This is the sensation I have for everything I do right now- I could have done better.
I could have done better if I could have focused on that one thing. I could have done better if I was not so tired from the other tasks I had to accomplish first.
Every day, with every task, I feel the weight of “I could have done better.”
Why? Why does it matter so much?
Maybe it is a flaw in me- a drive for perfection, a drive to prove I am someone of worth. Ridiculous, but true.
That is the internal battle I fight and lose every day. The battle to be better than….Well, I don’t know what I am trying to be better than. I guess I’m trying to be better than ME.
I have been doing this blog thing for twenty-one months. For twenty-one months I have mostly written about finding and giving grace for my imperfections (and the imperfections of others).
At this point, I should have learned that I am enough. I don’t need to do better or do more.
Guess what? In learning to give myself grace and room for my own failings….
I could have done better!
I need to cling to this truth today (and I’ll try to do it again tomorrow…):
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14
God’s works are wonderful. I am his work. I am wonderful.
You are his work. You are wonderful.
God is perfect. He couldn’t have done better. There is no better than what God does. He made us, and he loves us with all our flaws and could’ve done betters.
I’ll take that dose of grace today.