For the first time in a long time, I got high this morning.
A few weeks ago I was cleared by the doctor to put the running shoes back on. I started slowly. I ran with our lazy and stubborn dog. I ran with my children. I stayed under 2 miles, and I stopped frequently to pick up poop, pull a resistant dog, or wait for a child to want to go again.
Today, I went alone. I ran three miles, and I realized some things as I enjoyed the post run high. (If the truth be told, I probably already knew these things about myself.)
Confession 1: I am weak.
As I ran, I prayed for a desperate situation I had received news about before the run. I ran and prayed, prayed and ran. I was amazed by how weak I am. My mind would occasionally wander from my prayers, and my body would occasionally feel worn out.
Confession 2: I am selfish.
My mind would wander because I would think about things that affect only me. The situation I was (and still am) praying for is so much more serious than anything going on in my own life. Yet, my mind would go to my own desires. Self centered thinking is not limited to my prayers; I often think of myself over others.
Confession 3: I want more.
As I was finishing the run, I hit a wonderful almost quarter mile decline. I was finishing stronger and faster than I thought I could do right now. The endorphins kicked in, and I was exuberant. I was high. I instantly began to think about a 5 mile goal and contemplate if I could do another half marathon this fall.
The addict kicked in. There is never enough. At different times, I want more food, more affection, more affirmation, more success, more endorphins….more. more. more.
Grace and hope for the addict in me:
- My weakness is a counter balance to my strengths, and it is my vulnerability that often draws others more than my confidence and successes.
- God is bigger than my ability to look beyond myself. God is not dependent on me. He can and does act on behalf of his people whether I pray it or not. When I am burdened to pray for something, I am privileged to participate in his activity. My faith is increased, and my vision for others is expanded.
- Some addictions are less damaging than others, and I am so grateful for a positive outlet. I have also begun to understand how we are blessed with the ability to start again, and again, and again.
I am more than an addiction. I am loved, and I am wonderful….even if I never change. This is one of the great truths of life I am finally learning: we are made for more, but we are enough right now.