Here it is. I am going to give you the ugly truth.
I. am. so. tired.
In fact, I’m so tired that I just used my least favorite punctuation rule breaker. I hate when people put a period after each word. “I.” is not a sentence. I know we are being dramatic in our period usage, but it drives me insane. I hope this mini grammar rant helps you to fully grasp just how. tired. I. am.
I’m so worn out I have let my grammar hang up go in order to be overly dramatic. You’re welcome.
I’m not throwing in the towel. I haven’t decided that God has deserted us. (For a second I thought about breaking all the rules and spelling that desserted… YUMMM! Wouldn’t it be great if God desserted us?!?!?)
I still believe God can do anything in and through our church. What I am tired of is not being able to control it.
Do you know how draining it is for a control freak recovering from mild OCD to continually give her everything and just surrender the results to God? No. Well, it is. It’s exhausting.
Every week, I get a new inspiration of how I can reach people for Christ and win our city. I’m going to lead people to life change and solve all their problems and heal all the broken hearts. In my head, whatever idea I have is going to be the thing to turns it all around and our church is going to help literally everyone in Charlottesville.
Yes, I said literally. Deal with it.
Then, without fail, I fail. I can’t reach everyone. I can hardly reach anyone. I can’t change people’s lives.
I can only surrender.
I can only follow God’s voice, love people, and trust God to be exactly who he is. EVERY WEEK. Every single week, I have to say, “God this whole church plant thing is yours. You can have it. I can’t do it. It has to be you.” Then I have to roll up my sleeves and work with barely any control of the outcome.
God has to stir people’s hearts. God has to heal the wounds people carry. God has to open people’s ears to hear his message of grace, mercy, and love that leads to repentance. You would think I could just kick my feet up and take comfort in knowing the one who created it all is in control.
No, not me.
Instead, I have to wrestle down my own need for control and cram it into a box pushing the lid on ever so carefully. But every little thought winds it’s way around and tightens the springs until pop goes the weasel, and I’m bouncing all around again trying to be seen and significant. (You know… like a Jack in the Box… I know, I tried a bit too hard on that one, but I liked it anyway. Bear with me.)
Look, I’m just tired and need your prayers. Okay?
I need you to pray that I would have the strength to truly surrender to God’s control so I can enjoy that whole easy yoke and light burden thing.
Oh, you’re probably waiting for me to end this with a super cutesy wrap up that ties to the beginning and highlights a lesson that applies to all of you too since that is my go-to move.
Sorry, I’m too tired this time.
This is part of my new church planting book. I am posting as I go, so please feel free to follow along. Click the section titles below to read along:
The Disillusioned Planter:
A Guide on What to Do When The Church Doesn’t Take Off After You Launch