LOST SOUL
“I once was lost, but now I’m found”-Amazing Grace
Recently, I have been lost.
I have been clinging to my faith and trying to find my sanity. I have been burnt out and weary. Judge if you like, but for every one person looking down on this feeling, there are three to five thinking, “me too,” or, “I’ve been there.”
I am doing things I love, but I am doing too many of them. I have become trapped and lost in the world of obligations, and the joy has become stress. Of course I have joyful moments, but the default setting lately has been empty, tired, and sad.
Logically, I know why. I am over extended, a female with hormones, and it is winter (give me some vitamin D please). Because I have been able to identify the factors, I have felt it is okay to let it slide for a little longer.
Here is when I realized I let this go too far:
-At Christmas, my sister-in-law said, “I feel like I always have to fail somewhere,” and I wanted to curl up on the floor and cry because someone else finally said the exact thing that weighs so heavily on me every day.
-Staying in bed with a movie was starting to sound better than being with people…. always…. but I couldn’t because every break means something else falls through the cracks.
-I read my “About the Author” section while checking the interior proof for my upcoming book, Our Broken Hallelujahs, and I realized I wasn’t the same person who wrote that section over six months ago. It says, “Rebecca is a lover of God, a wife, a mother to three, an avid runner, a chai tea drinker, and a recovering perfectionist. She has found great joy in owning her flaws and learning to rely on God and his great grace.”
I know this might not make sense to a lot of people, but the part that really got me was “avid runner.” Something I have identified as a part of who I am since elementary school was no longer true about me.
I know we are more than what we do, but runners reading this will understand that there is something about it that is part of who we are. It is our balancing mechanism. It is our restorer of sanity. It is our daily challenge and victory. It is one foot in front of the other for another day.
Yes, I am a little crazy. I have no problem admitting it. The part about “finding great joy in owning her flaws and learning to rely on God and his great grace” is still true.
You haven’t heard from me here since mid-December. I haven’t run since Thanksgiving. I let my desire to do everything right take over, and I have continually let something I love, something that is important for my emotional and physical health, sit on the back burner in order to get everything done.
A Thursday night conversation with some friends encouraged me to embrace the “Holy C.” They were saying it is okay to give only what you are capable of giving at the moment. If all you have to give is a C, it is Holy.
With that in mind, I did my Friday (and started today) differently. I played basketball with my son as soon as I got out of the car after work. I didn’t even bring my laptop into the house. I let my daughters watch way too much t.v. while I took a nap next to them. The house was not cleaned or even touched up. My husband got the kiddos hot and ready pizza on his way home, and we went out to dinner on a gift card from friends.
This morning. I woke up and chose to let the tasks of the day wait. I went for a very slow 3 mile run, and I wrote this post. I will do my daily devotions after I hit “publish.” Then I will set aside two hours for cleaning and bills. I will stop when the time runs out whether the laundry is folded or not. I will spend this day with my family, and I will hang out with friends tonight.
I am finding my soles and my soul.
God didn’t call me to minister to others and lose myself in the process. He has called me to find myself in Him. He is the priority, and he has commanded (yes, literally commanded) me to rest and to find my peace in him. I don’t need to do more. I need to follow him and remember that he can do miraculous things. Even if my efforts result in a human C, he can make it holy.
If you need permission to start doing that thing you loved again in order to care for your soul, for what it is worth, you have mine.
Great writing, as you describe some warning signs of depression. I have that as a diagnosis and will write about it on my blog now and then. God’s Holy Spirit is with you! God wants you to draw near to Him at all times. You are in my prayers! Raising awareness about depression is so important….on my blog, I have asked for communal prayer for the pastoral community of all denominations to speak more openly about depression and resources that are available, not only in their church but in the local community. Every congregation has a member or attender who is impacted by this disease! Enjoy those runs and thank you for sharing your walk of faith!!
Would you be interested in writing a guest post here?
I had to scroll up the screen to see if my name was above your question…very humbled that you would ask. Thank you! It would be an honor for me to write a guest post. I’m 20 years behind in my technology skills so I’m not quite sure how to do so. Would you like the topic to be about depression and faith? i haven’t posted to my blog this week….I could write it there and you could re- blog it? Or any way that makes it easy…quite a bit of rambling to say, yes and thank you!
You can email me the text of the post…. include a picture of you, a short bio, and a link to your blog. You can post the same content in my blog and your blog.
I would love one on depression and faith. I think it lines up with my theme of grace and imperfection. I would love to have someone, you, who can write well about it. Thanks for being willing to write here! Email me: Rebecca.burtram@gmail.com
Embracing what God has given us (talent, deep heart desire, etc.) is always a great thing. Somehow as a mother I put it secondary or maybe fiftieth on the list of to do’s because my children’s heart health has risen above my own. I need to remember that in case of an emergency and motherhood is often an emergency we need to put our oxygen masks on first. Thank you, for reminding me.
Wow, thank you so much for your insight , your Godly insight Rebecca. This speaks to me on multiple levels . As a father ( old as a grand father ) with small children there’s a lot to do. I often find myself in that place , and being a man and a doer it’s tough to find balance in the doing and the relating , in the moments. And my wife , my sweet wife more often than not will choose the latter and often I find myself holding it against her in my heart. I must go to her now and speak of these things . Thank you for being Gods instrument to place me where I am now for what I am about to do . I find your posts do this type of thing to me , I know deeply that you love our Savior , and I am glad that I get a chance to hear you.
That sounds good! My blog site has the “about me” info including a photo. If it is ok with you, let me email you the text rather than write it on my blog. Grace and imperfection go hand in hand! Thank you for the opportunity! I will email it to you today. I have something different for my blog which I hope to post this weekend.
Hi Rebecca, thank you for your honesty. I’ve been there too, a lot of us have, it’s part of the learning process about focusing on what we need, there is a balance. At the very top of priorities is our oneness with God. When I was newly married and “madly in love with my wife”, I used to think that if her and I were at one with one another that I could conquer the world. Don’t get me wrong, after 45 years of marriage, I love my wife with all of my heart, much deeper that when we were first married. But along with way I have learned something, I need to be at one with God, daily. After that priority is met, everything else, every trial, every bump in the road is under His control and I know it. I’ve had a significant number of bumps, cancer, uncertainty of how bills will be met, you name it. I’m gonna share what works for me. Read His Word. It is spiritual food. Spend time in prayer, let it all hang out. There is nothing that will separate us from the love of God, nothing. He cares for us. Sometimes things can get out of balance, doing things for Him are not the same as spending time with Him. We need our heavenly Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, the oneness that comes from communion with Him. Go back to the basics, re-establish, prioritize. Other activities – do the things that make you feel good – running is good, cut back on the others so that you are comfortable with your list of priorities. You can’t feed and help others unless you are being fed. You’re on my prayer list. The prognosis is very good!
♥️
Hope you find some rest and some peace. I liked that you said that God can make a C holy. That’s a cute idea and a good reminder.
[…] my post “Lost Soul,” Rick Christensen let me know he often writes about dealing with depression. I invited him […]